3P Random Reflections Blog

As is sometimes prone to happen, I’ve been contemplating the truth of impersonal, unconditional love, while slowly coming out of the grips of an insidious “making-me-want-to-just-die-and-get-it-over-with” flu virus that has been renewing my acquaintance with physical suffering, apparently for the benefit of the universe.


I know, you’re thinking what I’m thinking, the universe is clearly selfish. LOL!


Anyway, I would personally prefer it, if the universe wasn’t so interested in my painful feelings, but I’ve been told that I am it’s only “learning tool”.


Damn you, Universal Consciousness (which apparently is the same thing as saying damn me, but, you know, whatever).


At the same time, I have to admit that death isn’t really a concern for me anymore, and my painful feelings don’t have as much significance as they used to, but I’m still an apparent work in progress (albeit an often amused and glorious one).


So anyway, here’s what I came up with…




We sometimes use the words "unconditional love", but most of us don't really understand what true unconditional love really is. I didn't. I had no inkling until I got a glimpse of it a few years ago.


Whether we realize it or not, most, if not all the love we experience comes with reference or connection to something or someone, and comes with an ENDLESS number of conditions...


We want them near us
We don't want them to suffer
We want them to be happy
We compare them to others and to ourselves
We see behaviours or traits of theirs that we think could be different or better in some ways
We admire them for some reasons and we have concerns about them for other reasons
We feel pride in their achievements
We feel pain in their losses
We care how they feel about us
We worry how they're doing
We feel loss in their absence
We can't imagine the pain of living without them
We feel the love for them, and sometimes we don't feel it.


Whether we realize it or not, most, if not all the love we experience is perceived as personal... everything in the relationship is in some way a reflection of the personal "me".


Everything is seen and experienced and felt through our personal filter of feelings, observations, opinions, judgments, needs, securities, and insecurities.


We project our illusory sense of who we think we are onto every mutually related experience, memory of the past, and imagination of the future.


True unconditional love, the kind of love that "IS the energy of Life", comes without any conditions, without personal relationship, without comparison, without judgment, without need, without effort, without consideration of time or space.


True unconditional love comes simply and beautifully with pure unconditional acceptance for everyone and everything exactly as it is.


It is a feeling of love much greater, much lighter, and much freer than any personal attachments of love that we create or imagine.


There are NO concepts of right or wrong or good or bad.


There is no love OF anyone or anything or even everything.


There is simply the realization of the essence of all life... the realization of being... the realization of the FEELING of love that is free, open, expansive, all encompassing, infinite, and eternal, of everything and of no single one or no single thing.


Not you. Not me. And yet, you AND me.


We live mostly with the awareness of our experiences of personal and conditional love, and perhaps small glimpses of the impersonal and unconditional.


But, it's those glimpses that are the very stuff of life that all of us unknowingly seek, and yet paradoxically and amusingly, all of us already are, even if we never somehow come to the grace of realizing it.


And for those of us who may be searching, and for those of us who frequently forget, and for those like me who appear to live 99.999% of our time in the non-feeling of it, we can simply hold ourselves gently in any brief moment of any feeling of love (or really any feeling at all) that wells up within us... the brief moment before we attach that love or that feeling to someone or something... the space both full (and yet empty) of feeling, and free of the conditions of any single thought...


We can always look there.

In the past, if anything appeared to go wrong in our workdays, my husband and I would share our stories with each other once we got home.


We would talk about all the reasons why we were right and why they were wrong. And funnily enough, each of us, in support of the other, would use our creative cooperation to come up with even more reasons to be upset, to further prove the assigned rights and wrongs... many more reasons than either of us would ever have come up with on our own. We took an apparent bad situation and made it much worse by getting validation from someone else, by adding more personal significance and meaning, and by extending its otherwise fleeting life.


And then after some insight into the illusory nature and feeling of insecure thought, we saw how we were taking inherently neutral situations, and then adding stories that bolstered our egos, created division, and fostered our own suffering.


We've pretty well stopped this habit, although when we do occasionally imbibe, whoever is the listener often knows enough to NOT add to the story, and to gently listen instead, until the story teller eventually wears out or wakes up.


Being able to navigate life with less need for the insecure side of our ego (judging, blaming, justifying, reasoning, defending), and with more simple common sense (just doing what needs to be done, if anything), is a blessing.


Eckhart Tolle has a few amusing stories to point to this... https://youtu.be/Ci8ZAj6Z8C4

One of the fascinating things about gaining a glimpse of the Truth of Life is that you begin to see wisdom everywhere... Words that you've read hundreds of times before suddenly take on new meaning. Scenes that you've seen thousands of times before suddenly offer something new to see. And thoughts that you've had a million times before suddenly appear with new understanding.


You find yourself living in the exact same physical world that you were in before, but the experience of it becomes something completely different.


You then get to fall back into an awareness of life that you had when you were very new to this world, without all the heaviness of beliefs and limitations collected from a lifetime of thinking.


You get to notice and feel once again, the wonder of life, the mystery of life, the abundance of life, with no clear sense of where you end and the rest of the world begins.


You suddenly open a door in your mind that reveals an infinite number of other doors yet to be explored.


What new wonders will greet you in this new year and new life, as the endless appearance of each new NOW reveals itself?

One of the paradoxes in life is that "trying" to feel better, in the long run, actually makes us feel worse... It's not so much what we choose to do in life, but the underlying (sometimes not so obvious to us) reasons for doing it.


If we do self-help or self-care mostly to quell all the negative judgments we have about ourselves, or to sate our never-ending list of shoulds, then the negative judgments and shoulds will never end.


Instead, there's something beautifully profound in discovering 1) the illusory nature of our negative thinking, and 2) the realization of where our judgments and shoulds come from.


In the moments when we happen to be in touch with the calmer/peaceful/connected part of ourselves (our true nature), our actions come without much thought and are naturally more self-caring.


In the moments when we are disconnected, and giving significance to our thinking, our actions and thoughts become focused on how to fix or change or improve whatever we think is not enough or broken in some way.


And the fixing never ends... We think that "life will be better once this is fixed", not realizing that if/when it gets fixed, more things keep getting added to the list.


Instead of continually exploring all the self-care measures and gadgets and programs designed to "fix" us, some gentle self-reflection may be the better direction to look in first.


Discovering and living from the space of deeply KNOWING that we don't need fixing, is paradoxically what allows us to give ourselves the best self-care.

I had a realization a few years ago that EVERY human being frequently experiences insecure thought... anger, fear, worry, frustration, judgment, envy, depression, anxiety, hate, loneliness, worthlessness, despair, hopelessness... the list is endless.


We get a temporary negative feeling of being "separate/disconnected (insecure) in some way", we label the feeling, we look for all the sources within us or outside of us to be the reasons for the feeling, and then we do whatever makes sense to either numb the feeling, or distract from the feeling, or avoid the feeling, or fix what we now believe to be the reasons for the feeling... creating our personal addictions.


And this process doesn't happen step-by-step so that we can see it. It's instantaneous. We don't even know that it's happening. The results of it are immediately manifested in the thoughts in our mind and the feelings throughout our body, appearing convincingly real.


We're never really addicted to anything, as much as we are addicted to wanting to feel better. We are simply having moments or periods of feeling bad, thinking it's bad to feel bad, assigning a source to the feeling, and then looking for a way out of the feeling.


And so we numb the feeling (drugs, alcohol, etc.), we avoid and distract from the feeling (sleep, eat, social media, work, judge others, etc.) and we fix the feeling (change, achieve, strive, accumulate, fight, etc.) in an infinite number of forms.


Each of us tends to have our own "habits of personal crazy"... what we frequently do to numb, avoid, distract, or fix, which then becomes part of our perceived personality, and part of what we present to the world in our behaviours.


And most of us completely miss noticing how bad feelings pass all on their own every time we somehow happen to take them less seriously or give them less attention. As children we intuitively know this, but we simply forget this over time, with our lifetime of collected, believed craziness.


And if at any point, we somehow remember this in any way... perhaps we discover that all bad feelings are only the very human and temporary flow of insecure thought, or perhaps we get some sense of our intrinsic connection to everything and everyone in life (an innate feeling/knowing of security)... the consequence is that our insecure thought (bad feeling), in whatever form it appears, has much less hold over us.


We then experience feeling bad without all the meaning and significance added. We gain back a more childlike experience of life. We take things much less seriously. We're not as afraid to feel bad. All feelings then simply become an abundance of richly felt experience, rather than something to be numbed, avoided, distracted, and fixed. We get to navigate life with a lot less thought and a lot more grace.


All of us already know this in some way. We all have had bad feelings that we have somehow taken less seriously. We all have had bad feelings that have passed without conscious effort. We just haven't yet made the significant distinction that all feelings are the inevitable flow of "up and down" human energy, rather than the solid indicator of any particular truth about ourselves or the world.


Despite having seen this unexpectedly and profoundly for myself, I am still human. I still experience insecure thought in multiple forms. I still experience the perceived bad feelings that go along with it, and that show up in various forms in my body. I still have the experience of not liking it and taking it seriously. But now I more often wake up again to the illusory nature of the craziness being created through my mind and body, I relax, I laugh, I breathe, and I settle.


And overall, with much less of the heaviness of a lifetime collection of serious thought, and with a sense of the deeper secure feeling of the energy of life itself... life becomes a playground of infinite experiences to play in, where feeling bad isn't something we ever have to feel bad about.

Latest comments

20.01 | 20:32

Thank you so much Marnix. The site gets visits but I don't always get to "meet" the beings behind the keyboards. It's always so lovely to hear it's appreciated.

20.01 | 12:02

Hi! I've been hanging around your website for a few weeks now, and utterly enjoy it. I just wanted to let you know that. Thanks a lot for all this work! <3

13.12 | 08:36

Thanks Lyn! It's more than four years later and it still resonates with me too!

13.12 | 08:22

I love this Jonelle. It's simple and articulate and it resonates.