I've had a crappy couple of months. And in the big picture of life, it's not that there's been anything particularly bad going on... Just some challenges at work that I've decided that I don't like (and am dwelling on), and some frustration with personal
behaviours that I've decided are unproductive (and am dwelling on).
In between the moments of "crappiness", I've also had plenty of enjoyable moments, and funny moments, and interesting moments, and content moments. It just appears to
be, for me, that the crappiness is currently more pervasive, and the crappy highlights happen to be the dominant colour that I am using to paint the picture of my life.
But here's the thing... Absolutely none of this is real.
My perceptual paint splashes of crappy, big picture, particularly bad, challenges, decided, don't like, frustration, unproductive behaviour, dwelling on, plenty of, enjoyable, funny, interesting, content, "appears to be", and "currently more pervasive"...
are all just part of the completely arbitrary crazy made up thought continually passing through my head.
Some of the blobs of paint are sticking to the canvas, others are not, and in each moment, I'm making up the arbitrary decision of
whether the picture is beautiful or not.
And I could go ahead and try to reason myself out of my current thinking, and believe me, despite my understanding of how the system works, I still try to do it all the time... reframing my thinking,
looking for other perspectives, getting a broader view, calming my mind, diverting my thinking, and looking for the answers in the refrigerator. 😊
But here's the ultimate truth...
My experience of my life (and everyone
else's experience of their own), is simply a Jackson Pollock painting of thought. And the more I focus on the results of what's on the canvas, the more I find that I keep on needing to change it.
But instead, in those moments when I am
given the ability to remember the miraculous existence and power of thought and consciousness, and the incomprehensible and astonishing system of life that provides us this ability, I get too see through the painting, and see the painter instead.
And that's a miracle I can be incredibly grateful for, every time I see it.
I can pretty well guarantee that I will still have many moments of "believing" it has been a crappy couple of months. But it's nice to know that whatever I
believe in each moment is really nothing to worry about. The painting will automatically change with each new blob of paint... whether I'm doing anything (or think I'm doing anything) about it or not. That's the way the system works.